Baseball’s Best Names 2009

People are buzzing about Antonio Bastardo’s major league debut. Partly because he’s pitched well but mostly because of his funny name. Luckily, his stellar play (2-0) since his arrival has been more noteworthy than his last name. Bastardo isn’t the only major leaguer who’s had to carry the burden of a ridiculous name on his back.

His nickname is "Travis Henry's Son"

For some reason, a large minority of baseball players have unique names. In the past, players like Dick Pole, Gaylord Perry, and Rusty Kuntz set the bar for absurd names. We’ve combed the majors to find the most hilarious, random, and ironic names of 2009.  Here’s the list:

• Mike Sweeney - Whose weenie?
• Albert Pujols – I can’t believe there isn’t more snickering about this one. Maybe it’s because he’s so good. ESPN is pretty clear about how it’s pronounced.
• Boof Bonser – Bonser has a major league name and a major league appetite (though he’s currently injured and in the minors). He once tipped the scales at 275. He also legally changed his name to “Boof” which was quite a “Bonser”.
• Randy Johnson – “Randy Johnson” is an awesome double entendre on its own. And his nickname is The Big Unit.
• Elvis Andrus – Anybody named after The King deserves to make the list. However, it’s still not as good as NHL player Jarome Iginla’s use of the name. Iginla’s full name is Jarome Arthur-Leigh Adekunle Tig Junior Elvis Iginla.  Elvis also has a brother named TomJones Andrus.  Not really.
• Lance Broadway - I can’t wait until LBroad makes his debut for the Mets. I admit it — this one really isn’t that funny.

"Did you just call me Parker Brothers, bitch?"

• Milton Bradley – He’s an angry man and that might be because he has a stupid name. Whose parents would name their child after a board game company? Whose parents would name them Milton?
• Dan Uggla - Uggla actually means “owl” in in Swedish. It means “shitty batting average” in English.
• Grant Balfour – For some reason, the un-funny Wikipedia description makes me laugh: “Balfour is well known in some baseball circles for his seemingly ironic name (Ball-Four), considering the fact that he is a pitcher.”
• Vladimir Guerrero – Vladimir Guerrero is 2% Russian. That’s a lie. But he still has the Russian/Dominican version of “Mario Lemieux”.
• Delmon/Delwynn Young – Delmon is such a random name and Delwynn is even more random. So I find it hilarious that there are two guys with such similar names in the MLB. It’s like if there were a guy in the MLB named “Elijer Dukes”.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia, the man with a name as long as his... swing

• Jarrod Saltalamacchia – His last name is 14 letters. His wife (a former teacher at his high school) is 14 years older than him.  Coincidence?  Probably.
• Chipper Jones - Chipper Jones is the perfect name for franchise baseball player from the South that impregnates Hooters waitresses. So that panned out for him.
• Clete Thomas – Clete Thomas learned about baseball from his uncle who was also his dad.
• JJ Putz – Mets fans currently hate Mr. Putz. The former elite setup man turned one-year closer is now a crappy set up man. Putz!
• Coco Crisp - He could make the list with his real first name “Covelli”. But being a man named Coco and sharing a name with a kid’s cereal is even more impressive.

Cecil Fielder is clearly the King

• Prince Fielder – Guess what his dad’s name is? If you guessed King, you are incorrect. Prince Fielder is fortunate to be such a talented baseball player. Because it would suck to have a job with a nametag that said “Prince” on it.
• Elijah Dukes – I would guess that this name peaked in popularity some time during the early 1800s.
• Joba Chamberlain - Joba is the street name for meth in Nebraska. Just kidding — that was mean.
• Shin-Soo Choo - All I can think when I see his name is “choo choo train”. His nickname should be the Oriental Express.
• Kosuke Fukudome - His ARod-style nickname shold be SukeFuku. That’s actually my online dating handle.