The First Pitch, Dodgers Style

The Dodgers have made some shameful choices for their “ceremonial first pitch”.  The task is usually reserved for people that have contributed to the community or have significance to fans. Each team has 81 home games, so I guess it’s tough to book top quality talent for the entire year. We’re only about two months into the season, and it seems as if the Dodgers are running out of “legitimate” honorees.

As a point of comparison, the Yankees have invited Yogi Berra, Sully Sullenberger, and an astronaut (via video) to throw out the first pitch. The Mets have had sports figures such as John Franco, Tom Seaver, Hakeem Nicks, and Mark Sanchez throw out a pitch earlier this year. What do these people all have in common? First off, I wouldn’t be surprised to see any of these people at a baseball game. Second, they are all individuals that are committed to excellence in their craft. Third, it’s not embarrassing to see any of these guys in a Yankee or Mets uniform.

Mario Lopez attempts to "keep it butch"

These details were lost on the Dodgers. They have booked some of the most ridiculous people possible for the ceremonial first pitch. I don’t associate any of these individuals with “commitment”, “excellence”, or “baseball”. Who have the Dodgers had throw out the ceremonial first pitch in the last couple months? Here’s a rundown:

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

I don’t really hate the guy, but he’s not even from LA. He’s from Austin and is a HUGE Texas Longhorns fan. I doubt he has even been to a Dodger game before . Lately, the master of shirtlessness has been pushing his clothing line and record label on the talk show circuit. I don’t even understand how they even thought to pick him.

He pumped up his steroid and HGH use in preparation for his appearance

SHAWN JOHNSON

Yes, she is actually an athlete. So the Dodgers at least have that. But wait, didn’t she win a gold medal over a year ago? Then why is she at a Dodger game from last month? Oh, it’s because she won DWTS… AKA Dancing With The Stars. For shame, Los Angeles.

Pedophiles everywhere approved of this choice

LAUREN CONRAD

LC is launching a clothing line but other than that… huh? The Hills is over and I wouldn’t really consider her a star. Though, she does get points for looking cuter than Whitney Port (below) in her Dodgers get up. There is no way she has ever watched nine consecutive innings of baseball.

She gets points for wearing the hat and looking competent

WHITNEY PORT

First of all, does she even live in LA anymore? Second, did anybody at the game even know who she was? She played second fiddle on The Hills before being phased-out and spun-off into her own reality series. I don’t care if it sounds gay — I hate her pants in this picture.

She probably threw it harder than Mario Lopez

MARIO LOPEZ

It’s hard not to love the age-defying Mario Lopez. I guess that’s not true at all. But in any case, I consider him the ultimate garbage choice for the ceremonial first pitch. After Saved By The Bell, his career high points include getting a gig on Extra and hosting America’s Best Dance Crew. Latino blog Guanabee noted that his first pitch made him “look like a punk bitch”. Es verdad.  Note that he’s throwing from the same spot on the grass as the three girls listed above.  Also note the tucked in jersey… AND his left wrist/hand.

That first pitch was totally FAB!